They say everything’s bigger in Texas – and as a generalization, in the rest of the South as well – so it stands to reason the parties would be too.
While we can’t vouch for the rest of the things in Dixieland, we can say with absolute certainty that there ain’t no party like a good ol’ boy party – because a good ol’ boy party don’t stop until the cops show up, but it sometimes keeps going even long after they do.
There are certain agreed-upon ingredients to get the party started right. You gotta have some adult beverages, you gotta have a grill with some meat on it, and you gotta have the right attitude.
The attitude is really the only thing you can’t compromise on, because as far as the food and beverages go – not to mention the rest of the entertainment – improvisation is the name of the game.
Don’t have a grill? Improvise! Don’t have anything to serve drinks in? Improvise! There’s really no end to what you can accomplish, with a little ingenuity, elbow grease, and some elastic ideas on what’s “healthy” or “appropriate.”
Read on to see how the people in the South have a good time, and we promise that by the end, you too will wish you were in Dixie.
We all know that ancient game of horseshoes, where you pitch the things at targets, known as stakes, set in a lawn or other suitable area. The goal is to throw a “ringer,” with the horseshoe completely enveloping the target stake. You may not know this, but horseshoes is a serious sport, with its own official governing body – the National Horseshoe Pitchers Association. These guys took one glance at the rulebook and said, “Eh, we’ll manage.” They didn’t have any horseshoes on hand (somewhat surprisingly), or any stakes for that matter. Then someone had to take a bathroom break, looked down and a light bulb lit up…
True meaning of a ‘shotgun wedding’
We’ve all heard about them. Those fabled weddings when one of the parties – usually the groom – is less than willing to go through with the whole thing, but is forced to do so – traditionally by the bride’s father. Holding the groom at actual gunpoint is optional. This photo here gives the meaning “shotgun wedding” a whole new spin, however. Why should the bride’s dad get to have all the fun? Let’s give everyone weapons, bride included! They all seem pretty enthusiastic about it, too. Hopefully no debt collectors are on the other side of that photo, just minding their own business out of frame, and about to get a nasty surprise.
A very Southern Christmas
Do you like the festivities of the holiday season? Do you like heavy drinking? If you answered in the affirmative to both questions, then have we ever got an idea for you. You see, the tradition of the Christmas tree dates back centuries, originating in northern Europe in the Middle Ages and then spreading to Germany – and the rest of the world soon thereafter. Then the tradition crossed the Mason-Dixon line and things got a bit weird.
DIY Slip ’N Slide
Did you ever happen to have a couple of friends over for a social gathering? You even broke out the old inflatable pool, but somehow the party was still dead in the water, no pun intended. You really need something to liven things up a bit – but what? They say that where there’s a will, there’s a way. This is definite proof. Don’t want to splurge on an official Slip ’N Slide? No problem, there are other options – so long as safety isn’t a priority.
Not just air guitar
We’ve heard of air guitar, but this is ridiculous. We’ve got lead guitar, bass and even a drummer. These boys would be a shoo-in for the air guitar world championship. Yes, that’s a thing. It’s held every year in Oulo, Finland, of all places. The motto for the contest, officially called the Annual Air Guitar World Championship Contest? “Wars would end and all the bad things would go away if everyone just played air guitar.” Looks like these guys got a head start on world peace.
A special kind of drink
Do you love Long Island Iced Tea? Sure you do. The drink, apparently invented in the eponymous island just off Manhattan, usually doesn’t have any tea in it, but it does have something better – vodka! Also, tequila, rum and other less important ingredients. It’s really good, is what we’re saying. And that’s definitely the line of thinking employed by whoever mixed themselves up this Long Island Iced Tea, and then poured it into a mason jar. That’s quite the thirst. Bottom’s up!
Happy birthd– What is that?!
It seems like these days birthday parties are a real competition, to see whose mother is willing to put in the most effort – and spend the most money – to make sure her precious little angel has the bestest day of all. To that end, themed birthday parties – and especially cakes – are big business nowadays. You have to tailor the cake to the people attending, so what better way to put your best foot forward on the matter than to put your best foot down… on the gas pedal and run over some critters. Racoon? We ra-can’t!
No pool? No problem
So we know what to do if we’re throwing a pool party but don’t have a Slip ’N Slide but what do we do if we’re planning to throw a pool party but don’t have a pool? Considering that it’s half of the name, we figure it’s a deal breaker. Not so, said this gentleman. Just throw some nylon in the bed of your trusty pickup truck, turn on the hose and voila! Tip for pros: want a heated pool? Just rev the engine.
Turn down for… Seriously, what?
There’s a lot to unpack in this photo. We could talk about the fact that there are six legs, but only three golden sneakers to go around, or we could mention the fact that two of the guys found the physical activity so strenuous that they had to wear headbands. But we think what we should really be honing in on is the guy in the sequined shirt. Is he breakdancing? Is he about to take the world’s most fashion-conscious trust fall? We may never know.
An ingenious plan
So you’re throwing the absolute mother of all bashes, the backyard party to end all backyard parties. There’ll be drinking, carousing and more than a little rowdiness. It’ll basically be wall-to-wall insanity. Now, being the gracious host that you are, you obviously want to direct your guests as to the whereabouts of said party. We mean, it wouldn’t be much of a rager without anyone showing up. On the other hand, you don’t want to tip off the fuzz, either. Problem? No problem. Hold our beer.
A special homebrew
We all know no cookout would be complete without some hot dogs. Franks are the perfect barbecue food, and they’re so easy to prepare, too – just throw them on the grill, and– What’s that? You don’t actually have a grill? Well, what kind of cookout is this going to be without something to cook on? Okay, listen, don’t panic. There’s a solution, if you don’t mind your coffee tasting a little… off for the foreseeable future.
We swear we aren’t making this up, but there was this thing called the “Summer Redneck Games.” They ran from 1996 – coinciding with the actual 1996 Olympic Games in Atlanta, Georgia – all the way up to 2012. Their slogan? “Let the games begin, y’all!” Now, this prestigious sporting event held several competitions, the most popular of which was the mud pit belly flop: contestants flopped belly-first into a mud pit, and whoever made the biggest splash won. It wasn’t exactly chess, but chess is boring and involves no mud at all. Advantage: Redneck Games.
That sweet, sweet sound
Speaking of the Redneck Games… Another popular event there was the “armpit serenade,” pictured here. Again, this isn’t highbrow entertainment we’re dealing with by any means, but it will get you where you need to go… If where you need to go is listening to a grown man make silly noises from his armpit, and then watch as he’s judged on the merits of those noises by a panel of esteemed experts in the field.
Desperate times, desperate… Ew
Remember the no grill quandary with the hot dogs? And the solution devised to solve it there? Well, now we’re sorry we ever said anything, because it gets much, much worse. If you think “hygiene” is just a four-letter word, then… Well, you really can’t spell, for one, but more topically, this solution is perfect for you! Look, they even converted the tank into a cooler for beer! What more could you want, other than not getting dysentery on your 4th of July cookout?
Multitasking at its finest
Do you like to go out in the wild outdoors and do some hunting? Do you hate actually going to the effort of wandering around the woods looking for game like some kind of savage? Well, this guy has got you covered… Even though he isn’t covering much up himself. It really covers all of the basic necessities a guy could ever need – a hot tub, a cold beer, and rifle to hunt something very far away with, but absolutely no need for mobility.
Burn rubber, consume sugar
We’ve already had one very ill-advised idea for a themed birthday cake. This one… This one is honestly better, because there’s no roadkill on it, for starters. What it does have, however, is the thing that makes roadkill – a screeching tire! This cute little cake also looks like it was run over, and is perfect for the little NASCAR fan in your life. Just watch out for those turns, fondant is notoriously hard to get off from asphalt.
A liquid lunch
We know what you’re thinking. “Park benches are so convenient for having a nice picnic,” you say. “It’s just too bad they don’t come in a submersible configuration.” Well, we’re sorry to disappoint – the science on that one isn’t in yet. But here’s something you didn’t know up until now – they certainly float! These two elderly gentlemen hooked up a boat’s motor to a bench, strapped in a cooler undoubtedly filled to the brim with cold ones, and sailed away. Somewhere, a very confused park ranger is wondering what happened to his favorite picnic spot.
Tree and roll?
We’ve already seen the air band trio, but sometime it just isn’t enough. Sometime you need the feel of something nice and solid under you to really get into the mood of playing in an imaginary band. Something like… trees, apparently. Someone genius handyman used tree stumps and other assorted branches to form their very own drum set. You can rock out to your heart’s contents, just put up a no smoking sign somewhere nearby so your little set doesn’t go up the way Smokey warned us of.
Somewhere a Walmart is missing a cart
After the toilet grill, this shopping cart setup is almost an improvement. You’re still liable to get food poisoning from anything you eat off of it, mind you, but at least it (probably) won’t kill you. Necessity truly is the mother of invention, and someone apparently really needed to get their beef on. It’s actually convenient when you think about it. Go to the supermarket, load up the cart with meat, go back to your car and load everything in. When you get home, just flip the cart on the side and hey presto. Instant grill.
Danica Patrick Jr.
This dainty little princess is tearing up the track, and seems to be loving every minute of it. She’s actually competing in what’s known as a mud bog, which is basically like any old race except for the fact that it takes place deep, deep in mud, and the goal isn’t so much to get to the finish line first as it is just to finish. And this girl’s Barbie-branded Power Wheels looks like it’s about to do just that.